How To Raise Boys To Reach Their Full Potential?

What do boys need to reach their full potential?

How do all-boys environments – camps and schools – help boys grow into their full potential? What is the secret sauce that boys need to flourish?

Long gone are the stereotypes that once defined a male.

“If I’m a 12-year-old in 1950, it’s John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart,” said former Christ School Headmaster, Paul Krieger. “It’s World War II and those traditional male qualities like risk behavior, aggression, protection of tribe, being competitive and assertive, those were the goals back then. But today, those ideals are often labeled as toxic masculinity, a term that, unfortunately, often makes boys embarrassed of their masculinity.”

The very essence of boys hasn’t changed all that much, but the environment that surrounds them has. Living in a digital world full of distractions that often lead a boy toward isolating himself in a video game or a TikTok feed doesn’t lend itself to becoming his best self. But what does? According to parents, counselors, and educators interviewed for this article, it appears that environments, away from parents and phones, where boys are free to explore and test themselves, might just be the answer.

The common denominator of camps like Falling Creek and schools like Christ School and Woodberry Forest (both quoted in this article) is a setting where boys can explore, try new things, and along the way, gain unabashed independence and confidence.

According to Krieger, the old adage “boys will be boys” is often an excuse for bad behavior; rather, he suggests, “boys will be the boys we raise.” A subtle but significant variation, the key being that we, the parents, educators, and counselors, play a role in a boy reaching his potential by offering a combination of support and benign neglect.

As David Von Drehle wrote in his 2007 TIME magazine article, “The Myth About Boys,” “the keys to building a successful boy have remained remarkably consistent, whether a tribal chieftain is preparing a young warrior or a knight is training a squire or a craftsman is guiding an apprentice…boys need mentors and structure but some freedom to experiment.”

And so there appears to be somewhat of a paradox that for boys to truly thrive they need structure, rules, and principles, along with a healthy dash of freedom. The beauty of a camp or a boarding school is that it’s possible to create an atmosphere where boys are free to explore.

“It’s my sense that by the time they reach high school, boys are ready for a journey – a challenge – away from the day-to-day oversight of mom and dad,” said Woodberry Forest Headmaster, Byron Hulsey. “In our world at Woodberry, we believe they develop more independence than they otherwise would. They know what it means to handle their business and then take care of themselves and take care of others.”

At the heart of these communities are the relationships that boys make with counselors, mentors, and peers. “The power of relationships can never be underscored enough,” said Krieger. “Everything starts with that no matter what you are doing in life.”

If cell phones are the toxin isolating boys, then relationships are the antidote.

“I feel strongly that camps and schools provide for boys and young men a physical community of relational connectivity with peers and adults,” said Hulsey, “peers who challenge them and support them, and adults who care for them, challenge, and hold them to high standards.”

For Hulsey, technology, and cell phones in particular, has the capacity to sabotage these critical points of connection. “We want to emphasize physical connectivity and human connectedness through presence in the moment, and not some disembodied, virtual or electronic connection.”

Reward Through Risk

It’s no secret that boys are prone to taking risks, a trait often attributed to the lagging development of their frontal cortex. But some of that hard-wired risk taking, when unleashed in supervised, safe environments, can fortify them for the challenges of manhood.

“Boys need to make assessments and take appropriate risks under counselor guidance,” said Krieger. “Boys need to bruise their knees. I want to see them reach for that monkey bar that’s too high and see some toughness when he cleans his cabin at camp or his dorm at school.”

Paraphrasing some of the points made in Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Anxious Generation, Husley said, “Many parents have robbed their children of their full childhood by providing for them too much structure and too much, if you will, safety. I think that there is something spontaneous about overnight camp and a residential school where there’s some freedom to play.”

Krieger agrees. “Places like Christ School and Falling Creek are a boy’s path to experience a unique setting where they are free to explore, discover, and improve their whole being by living under a roof with a community of rules, rigor, and relationships.” And it doesn’t hurt that these communities often exist in beautiful, natural settings, where boys can hike, fish, and engage in a play-based childhood.

“Nothing makes me happier than to walk around the campus at Woodberry and see boys playing a game of touch football or Ultimate Frisbee on their own, without a referee blowing a whistle or a coach barking orders or instructions,” said Hulsey. “I think that it’s so healthy and important for boys to learn to manage themselves without someone always managing them.”

This does not mean that boys do not meet high expectations in these environments. There are chores to be done and standards of behavior that enhance boys’ feelings of agency and strength.

“I think responsibility teaches kids strength,” said Krieger. “I think we are in a society that is very reluctant to put boys in charge; and yet, a 12-year-old boy can be very industrious.”

The all-boys environment also seems to play a key role in igniting self-discovery and belonging. “Without the distraction of girls, I believe it’s much easier for a boy to present his natural, authentic self and much easier for his fellow boys to accept him and embrace him when they’re not angling for attention from girls or young women,” said Hulsey.

“I’m biased, but I have a strong affinity for residential communities like Woodberry and Falling Creek. I think the relational connectivity is even deeper and more nuanced and richer when boys can be at camp or our world at Woodberry for a good stretch of time.”

At the heart of these residential communities are groups of various sizes where boys find camaraderie and friendship through shared experience. Small groups such as cabins, advisories, clubs, and teams echo the cadres of the military, a proven model that encourages a sense of belonging. “Everybody wants to be acknowledged as part of a group,” said Krieger. “And when they know and trust each other, boys are willing to try new things.”

“I think that boys respond positively when they are known, challenged, and loved,” said Hulsey. “When they are known, they know that they matter; when they are challenged, they know they are respected and that they can often reach higher than they might reach on their own; and when they are loved, they know that they are cared for beyond their achievements or accomplishments.”

What Boys Think

According to Dr. Lisa Garner, Director of Counseling and Wellness Programming at Christ School, “So many of the boys I work with don’t just question ‘who am I?’ but also ‘how do I matter?’ They want to know how they can take what’s important at their core and get it out into the world in a way that not only satisfies them, but also makes a difference. They feel a lot of outside pressures and demands.”

Garner believes that structure and community help them with those issues. “I see the structure of a school like ours or a summer camp as a gift that provides an opportunity for a boy to try out a lot of different things in a safe all-boys environment.” A happy byproduct is a sense of belonging. “It’s the being part of something and working toward a common goal that boys find deeply satisfying.”

The world of residential camp lends itself to developing deeply rooted friendships, cured through time and shared experience. Never was that more apparent than when Helen Collins, whose two sons, Falling Creek campers Ike and Judd (16-year-old Judd is also a student at Woodberry), hosted four camp friends before they headed to Falling Creek for their four-week summer session.

“I’ve never seen 16-year-old boys more genuine than the way I observed them in those four days,” said Collins. “They are so uninhibited because they know each other from camp. There are no girls, no academics or competition; it’s just who they are. I could go on and on about how freeing and impactful that is for Judd.”

Collins has observed that those friendships forged at camp have helped Judd grow. “Because of the comfort he feels with those peers and with camp, it has brought a huge amount of confidence that I don’t see in any other aspects of his life,” said Collins. “I see him in pictures serving food in the Dining Hall on Saturday and Sunday nights and singing during Morning Assembly, things that I feel he would never try outside of that confidence-building place.”

The Camp and Boarding School Connection

Lillian Magruder, who has been a nurse at Falling Creek, and whose son, Richard, attends Christ School and Falling Creek, believes that the values stressed at both camp and school have coalesced into making Richard a stronger young man.

“Falling Creek is a spot that is near and dear to the men in my family (Lillian’s husband, Andy, and older son, Marshall, also attended Falling Creek) and therefore, near and dear to my heart as well,” said Magruder.

“I immediately sensed an overlap in the Christ School Pillars (Academic Rigor, Leadership, Spirituality, and Dignity of Manual Labor) and the Falling Creek Code (Warrior Spirit, Servant’s Heart, Moral Compass, and Positive Attitude), and I feel like the leaders in both of those institutions abide by their core values, which I think makes a tremendous difference”.

Collins believes that camp prepared Judd for living at a boarding school. “I think that attending Falling Creek for the eight years prior to starting his freshman year at Woodberry made a huge impact on the ease of his transition from home to school,” said Collins. In both settings, she learned to take a back seat and let Judd figure things out on his own. “An interesting thing about camp and boarding school is that you’re not hand’s off, but you’re not hand’s on either,” said Collins. “And you can trust that your son will thrive by relying on the skills that he learned at camp as an eight-year-old. It’s about personal hygiene, it’s keeping your stuff together, it’s having the confidence to go do this or that and not worrying about what I think. He gets to make his own choices, and it has freed him to become an independent thinker.”

Healthy Separation

There was a time when sending a son to boarding school or camp carried a stigma of bad parenting, and there are plenty of parents who find it difficult to cut the umbilical cord and lose that day-to-day surveillance, but both Collins and Magruder feel that letting go and entrusting a school or camp with their son is one of the best parenting decisions they have made.

“So many people are so concerned with daily safety and wrapping their children in a bubble,” said Magruder. “It’s not doing them any favors in the long haul when we try to protect them from all those experiences. I think that our son being at a place like Falling Creek in the summer and Christ School during the year is allowing for these independent experiences that need to happen for better maturation and development. He is becoming a better man because we are able to let him go and do, and the structures at Falling Creek and Christ School are in place to give them guidance, yet also independence.”

Collins has a similar sense of the value of these experiences. “I feel like nothing grows their freedom, confidence, and ability to be themselves more than the independence that camp provides,” said Collins. “And the freedom of choice at camp is so great. Mom isn’t telling you what to do, so if you want to go sailing, you can sign up for it. I’ve observed that even to a little person like my 9-year-old Ike, having that independence and freedom of choice has given him confidence that I don’t think is fostered in many places the way it is at a long session at camp.”

Collins said that a fellow camper’s mom reached out to share the positive impact Judd had made on her son. And although she’s not sure what Judd did to make such a difference for this camper, she knows that it’s the Falling Creek culture that allowed it to happen. “I can only believe that the way camp directors, Yates and Marisa, are running the camp and the values that they are stressing hold the campers to this high standard. You couple that with a whole lot of fun, and that’s why Judd is ten years in.”

So fun, in fact, that Judd and his friends seem happy and somewhat relieved to turn off their phones when they return to camp. Collins was amazed when, as she drove Judd and his friends to camp, they turned on Bob’s Creek Road and one of the boys said “all right boys, we’re on the mountain, so phones off.” “They were all so ready to take that off their plate,” said Collins.

“And how amazing is that when 16 and 17-year-old boys are turning off their phones to go live together in a tiny cabin in the woods for a month!”

A Bright Future

Places like Christ School, Woodberry Forest and Falling Creek are special and proof positive that, in the right environment and with the right influences, boys can thrive. “I’m an educator, so I’m definitely wired to be optimistic,” said Hulsey, “but I feel like Woodberry has never mattered more, and boys have never needed it more. So that gives me a lot of energy and a lot of juice for the path ahead. I feel the same way about a place like Falling Creek. I’m very bullish and positive about boys who have these intentionally structured opportunities that are rooted in research and in lived experience as it relates to boys and young men as a whole. And I have faith in our ability to adapt and evolve to understand what boys and young men need for their future.”